hello..missed you ;D

Well Well Well, I thought I`d never find you!!! Jason Cheri Elijah and Aidan stayed for 3 weeks my body is to old for grandma service even....I`m still recovering from a fall in Sam Levitz Furniture store. I was pushing the wheelchair hanging on and I know "don`t look away" but I did when the salesman asked us if we were looking for something and WHAM I went down.....embarrassment pain ashamed for pete sakes haven`t been able to walk for 2 weeks.....praying crying anger hopelessness so many emotions...mostly just tired now and overwhelmed trying to get thru the days cleaning and whatever comes up..Robin had a car accident no injury's, Amanda had a car accident with bruises ,Jason and Cheri bought a new truck ,Lisa and Casey settled the lawsuit when she wrecked her car, Larry is seeing a lawyer, life is exploding all round me and all I can do is pray..somedays I feel as though I`m suffocating in this house, Eddie seems put out if he has to go to the store or run errands that I should be doing. I feel like a slacker, will I ever feel like I`m good enough or have something to offer? How How How do I accomplish this huge task????? .,

Mothers Day appreciation

This is a letter about my Mom and my sisters…..Let me start out with my Mom first, her name is Mary Potts! A very strong and compassionate Mom. She pretty much raised 6 kids by herself. My Dad was in the Army and took two tours of duty in Vietnam. He was pretty much absent until I was 12. We moved to Sierra Vista at that time. My Mom and Dad divorced when I was 13 and my Mom was left to raise 6 kids on 300.00 a month. She met my step-father and 7 years followed with physical abuse and alcoholism with my step-father. During that time my Mom endured including a diagnosis for a disease called Freidreich`s Ataxia, that lists under Muscular dystrophy. It is progressive with balance, speech and coordination diminishing in a10-15 year progress. Heart disease, diabetes, scoliosis are part of the prognosis. Wheelchairs are needed . Each progression is different so it’s a surprise what gets taking away. My Mom at the time is marriage to my step-father and ran the only Bus depot in town from 1973-2003 she worked 6 days a week 8-5 Never called in sick and only took one vacation to get her diagnosis of Ataxia. Mom made minimum wage and when they closed the Bus Depot she was told on a Tuesday and closed that Friday . She survived on unemployment and SSI 750.00a month for 15 months and finally retired living on 650.00 a month! Thru all this My stepfather left after 7 years and my Mom paid off her house and survived!!! I remember her patiently waiting a year for a new wheelchair because the one she had broke , and would keep falling out of it. What a monumental struggle she had with the different facets of her life but she endured. My younger sister Lisa was diagnosed with FA at 28 and she has endured…3 girls a husband Bill who has stayed for the ride! Now they are Grandparents and my sister gets her encouragement from Mom when frustrations mount in her life. I was diagnosed 16 years ago and I thought I was strong enough to overcome or at least fight it…but I have found it very hard to keep up with my Mom. Mom continues to struggle and push her way thru as do my sister, I on the other hand cry and wish , then I talk to my Mom and get back up and push and struggle thru my 3 year olds temper tantrums and smiles and every day life’s problems. I have a brother who was diagnosed, his wife Karen has dealt with many problems including having 4 boys . She has given Johnny such wonderful care these 20+ years. She works full-time, I have a lot of respect and love for her with all she has accomplished, such a strong women like my mother. My sister’s 25 year marriage ended and she moved in with my Mom for financial reasons for a year and Mom stepped up. My Mom recently sold her house and moved in with my youngest brother Larry in WASH. He has a mobile home and not wheelchair accessible and my Mom makes do! Mom is 67 now and still struggling, still pushing and most importantly laughing! I am in awe of my family’s resilience and strength being able to overcome these huge challenges, but the badge goes to MOM, what an awesome challenge she met THANKS MOM!

american idol again whoopee....

queens songs who did the best?? who cares, well nothing happening here. Kids are screaming, Jaron is doing d`s and an f in school. He can`t seem to get a handle on it and neither can I. I really feel disabled when I can`t do my mother`s chores. School and what goes on is mine to take care of but I can`t even communicate with the teachers. How do I help him, college is so so important for him to be able to have a life and make a living. Back-breaking labor is his future if he can`t walk the walk....please God tell me what to do and I will crawl to get there if I have too....pray pray pray......feet its time to move...

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Not much to say, Jaylee`s Birthday coming up. She`ll be 3! I wonder why she came so late in my life....I wonder if I can keep up and live long enough to see her strong and happy in her life. I suppose that I was ready to give up and sit with this disease but Jaylee came and Hospitals and Dr`s and diapers had to be taken care of. Just thinking about it tires me. I don`t know how I accomplished what I did. I didn't God did! I prayed and prayed and cried and cried! I have memories of hanging on to the sink and hoisting a baby into it for a bath.....a broken leg.....a wheelchair....many falls.......a food tube pulling out, stomach contents spewing at 4 am...........falls, lots of falls, I wish I could laugh but all I feel is sad that I can`t give her better. I want to give her a life full of different things, the outside different places to see...water....plants....mountains...clouds. I wish I had my family near, my sisters-mom-brothers-nieces-nephews they could pickup where I left off. I don`t see friends very often my ataxia bothers them and maybe I`m boring. I know when I was moving more I hated to be indoors sitting. Where will it end..........if this is the best now what will it be in another 5 years......I guess I`ll pray again, bye blog ;]

american idol

I am reading my blog wow I need to get up and shut up. Made eggplant parmesan, asparagus and Garlic bread. And a cake too!!! didn`t think I could do it, I was the only one that ate..........oh well I`ll have left-overs.

it`s me.......

wow, I`ve been gone too long. Not much going on just trying to keep moving. It gets harder and harder these days. Could be old age...gotta be this disease. Oh well, Mom has moved to Wash. and everyone is so spread out. It`s difficult to keep in touch with family but, there all I have left who understand this walk we are on. Jaron is getting older[12] and doesn`t want to see or hear his parents and Jaylee....my little baby will be 3 at the end of this month! Jason my oldest son[26 yikes!] will be getting orders for Texas and may be getting shipped off to Iraq.......maybe I will be able to meet my first grandchild he`ll be 1 year old. I had a fall 3-weeks ago and broke my nose, boy was that painful! I am now using a walker in the house and curtailed going out to once or twice a month. Falls in the backyard too...Lord will it ever end........I don`t want to sit but it`s getting harder and harder to keep my resolve. The pain and worse what if I`m all alone with Jaylee, she could be traumatized or worse left without supervision if I knock myself out. I have an appt with the Muscular Dystrophy Dr. tomorrow, why do I go???? no cure, I guess maybe to commiserate. I want to run...I want coordination......I want to be graceful.........Dad says I have a curse-not enough faith-don`t take the right vitamins....I wish it was so simple. I pray and beg and walk in faith but thats not working. I feel like I just need to be quiet and be thankful but Dad says no.....I`m tired of being ashamed and weak and useless. I still cook and clean and take of my family. Eddie I think, after 23 years is good friends........it`s hard to keep romance in a marriage when your disabled. I know I`m not what I use to be...I watch the world and do not participate.......Jaylee she keeps me alive